Freakin Elf

 Last week I played in the pit orchestra for a production of

Elf: The Musical

It is, apparently, based upon the 2003 movie, Elf.
Which until a week go, I'd not ever seen.
I can usually suspend belief a bit for stage shows, 
it is, after all, just a show, and the rules don't really apply.
However, this show has many plot-holes that I couldn't ignore.
So, I present you, a numbered list of every plot-hole
that drove me batty over the course of the run of this production.

1. The Journey to New York City

Santa sends Buddy the Elf on his way to New York with only chocolate money,

no map, aside from telling him to go through the Lincoln Tunnel, and showing

him what the Empire State Building looks like via a representation of the 

skyline inside a snow globe. 

First of all, snow globes make crappy maps. Everyone knows they only

feature the most notable buildings within a city, and secondly, you can

never see the streets or street signs on those things.

But, still, our elf Buddy steps onto an iceberg and somehow gets himself

not only to the correct city (what if he went South along the other side of 

the planet?) but manages to find the correct building, and then the 

correct office, despite his father's name being nowhere on the

company of the publishing house in which he works.

Incidentally, Santa also tells Buddy about the Ray's Pizzas around town,

telling him where the real original Ray's Pizza is, but he never mentions

the pizza place atop the Empire State Building: Fay Wray's Pizza. 

🥁

2. The Publishing MacGuffin

When we meet Buddy's dad, Walter Hobbs, we find that he's not very

good at his job. He let a book go through all the way to print and

distribution with two critical pages missing. All he had to do was 

proofread the Christmas Puppy book a bit better, noticed the two

missing pages, had the problem fixed, then sent off to print, but he

didn't. Then he was all too willing to throw his staff under the bus for

the mistake he made. 

So, he is given an arbitrary deadline of Christmas Eve for a new story ready for

publishing. (The movie makes this problem go away by stressing first quarter

returns, and the story needs not be Christmas themed.)

Buddy arrives and Walter can't be bothered.

YOU'VE JUST MET A GUY IN AN ELF SUIT THAT SAYS HE'S YOUR SON!

CAN'T YOU MUSTER UP AT LEAST A SMALL BIT OF CURIOSITY!

So, the Big Boss Man tells Walter that his story must be ready on Christmas Eve.

If the story can be anything, this may be reasonable, but we are led to believe, at least

from what we are given by the story suggestions from the other characters,

it needs to be a Christmas themed story, which would set its release

after the Christmas season, when it wouldn't be very marketable.

Maybe it's just a power move from the Big Boss Man, to show Walter 

that his job is on the line.

Side note: Walter isn't really very good at this job. We never see him

come up with his own story to offer. He either plies his staff for story ideas,

or tries to use a story from a dead author. What is his purpose? To sign off

on proofs with missing pages? He's already shown he can't do even that.

Second side note: I will give the show credit for setting up Chekhov's Shredder

and supplying a satisfying and effective payoff. Nicely done. ❆❅❄

3. PETA and the Reindeer

PETA is mentioned twice in the stage show. Both times in reference to the

lack of magic reindeer that would help solve the other plot device, namely

why Santa's sleigh won't fly. The story of Santa always includes reindeer,

but in the stage version, I guess reindeer aren't allowed on stage, so they had

to come up with a lame reason to explain their absence.

PETA, the non-governmental radical animal rights organization,

apparently sent Santa a nasty letter and because of that, reindeer

are no longer employed at the North Pole. 

PETA, while irritating, is not a governing body.

It holds no real authority, cannot make laws, enforce laws,

or issue judgments or sentences.

Magic reindeer are magic, like the elves and Santa himself, 

so there is no real compelling argument to abide by the recommendations 

of an over-charged animal rights organization.

And, for the record, I'm all for animal rights.

I avoid meat mainly for this very reason, but I also

realize that animals can be useful to humans.

It is possible to treat animals ethically, humanely, and thoughtfully,

and still provide for a community.

Human greed wrecks it, though, and the economy we have created is not sustainable.

4. It hasn't snowed in NYC for over a year

When Buddy meets Jovie and decides he loves her, we learn that

she's kind of a grouch and has never seen snow, despite the fact that

she says she's lived in New York for a year and a half.

Incidentally, a quick Googler search tells me that, in fact, it doesn't

snow very much in the city itself, the state of New York gets a lot

of snowfall. So, even if Jovie managed to somehow miss the on-average 

12 days (that's almost two weeks!) of snowfall per year 

within the city limits, she could have 

 gotten herself outside the city just once to see the some snow.

You make space for things that are important to you.

If seeing snow was really so important, she could've made it happen.

5. Santa and his Problems

Sheesh, Santa has issues in this show. 

He's a joyless curmudgeon who sends a naïve non-magic-elf off

into the world with no real guidance or even a few bucks of human money.

Then he doesn't help himself by giving up the aforementioned flying reindeer. 

His big complaint is the lack of Christmas Spirit™ which makes

his sleigh crash down in the middle of Central Park.

If Santa is real in this universe, why is everyone so lacking in Christmas Spirit™?

If he is indeed flying all over the globe, leaving gifts for all the good folks, 

why do they all seem to lose that Christmas Spirit™?

The dialogue implies that kids still have Christmas Spirit™, but the 

adults do not. Even if that is the case, the kids' Christmas Spirit™ should,

you'd think, be enough to power the sleigh. 

Have you ever met a kid on Christmas? They're lit up like Rudolph's red nose.

More than enough spirit for even the adultiest of adults.

It seems to come down to the fact that no one believes in Santa anymore.

Which, again, is weird, because if Santa is real and leaving gifts for kids,

where do the adults think that gifts are coming from? 

And, do adults lose all their memories from childhood and when they

received gifts as children?

Do poor children still get gifts in the stage-play universe?

And another thing!

Santa talks about his in-laws, who are, I assume, human.

One has a Chipotle franchise in Boca.

Do these, presumably adults, know that Santa is the real Santa?

Do they have Christmas Spirit™, despite being adults, because

they know who Santa is? Why don't they tell the other adults?

Are they being enchanted every time they meet him?

Is there a neuralyzer doodad like in the Men In Black movies?

Or is it just old-fashioned elfin magic?

This also means that Mrs. Claus human too, for Santa to have human in-laws.

Or, they are all elf-people, like Santa himself, but are living amongst

the humans, like Buddy lived amongst the elves.

So, after all this, I finally watched the Elf movie, which was

coincidentally and conveniently, showing at the local theatre.

None of these plot holes are in the movie.

The stage show was deliberately written this way.

I'm gonna need some eggnog.